I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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