Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
