Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
