i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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