Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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