If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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