I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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