There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
cat food counts as protein by the way
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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