I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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