you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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