her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
