im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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