I just made out with a guy for $7.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
