Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
