At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Randomize
