Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
She bit a glass in half.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
