Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
