I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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