seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
