now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
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