I'm gonna have a badass scar
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
