Your tits are I can't wait for
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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