my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
he fucked my hip out of place.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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