Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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