I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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