my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
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