you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
