is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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