I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
