I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
