I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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