i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
