If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
