I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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