His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
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We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
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Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
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