I want to stick my p in your. b.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
