3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I met the friendliest cop last night
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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