my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
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He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
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he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
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