I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Randomize
