party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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