a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Randomize
