she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Sober January is a disaster.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
