every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
