I accidentally burped into my bong.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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