Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
