I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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