So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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