I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Randomize
