youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Randomize
