but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
