I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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