and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
