I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
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