I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
