3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
