my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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