You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
