so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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