hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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